Skip to main content

This is the weekly Amplify newsletter, where you can be inspired and challenged by the voices, opinions and insights of women at The Globe and Mail, and our contributor community. This week’s newsletter was written by Nana aba Duncan, the co-founder of the Media Girlfriends podcast production company and the Carty Chair of Journalism, Diversity and Inclusion at Carleton University.

I have always considered myself a supportive person.

If we’re friends, you can count on me to send emojis of excitement or an exuberant voice note to celebrate your big milestones. If you are having self-doubt, I will pounce with a reminder of your worthiness.

But until recently, if any of my friends or colleagues revealed they were experiencing intimate partner violence or abuse of any kind, I wouldn’t have known what to do.

I don’t think I’m alone. I realized this as I prepared to interview survivors of gender-based violence as the host of Signal For Help, a new podcast from the Canadian Women’s Foundation. I didn’t expect my learning curve to be steep. I’m already a good friend, aren’t I? A loving sister and sympathetic colleague? But good intentions aren’t the same thing as practical knowledge.

According to a national poll conducted by the Canadian Women’s Foundation, two-thirds of people in Canada know a woman who has experienced physical, sexual or emotional abuse, but only one in five feel very confident in their ability to offer support.

It’s time we all learned how to help, and it starts with noticing the signs and asking helpful questions.

Through my years of training as a CBC radio host and producer, I have learned to ask people for very personal details about their lives. Over the past few years, I’ve been using a more trauma-informed approach. Still, I was not prepared for what I needed to know before having one-on-one conversations with women who have been through abuse at the hands of their partners until I took the Signal For Help mini-course, a free learning tool with interactive lessons. Between that course and the conversations we recorded for the podcast, here is what I learned:

Open this photo in gallery:

Handout/Canadian Women's Foundation

1. Reach out, be generic

This advice was the newest to me: Use generic language when you contact someone who may be experiencing abuse – they might be closely monitored. It’s best to text about getting a coffee or wanting to catch up, in case someone else might read it. Or, if you call and sense they can’t talk about their problem, don’t give anyone in the room a chance to be suspicious. Make an excuse and get off the phone (like: “Oh, it looks like I’m getting another call…”) Then, send a text about getting together. When you finally meet up, you can bring up the issue gently. After that, listen supportively.

2. Listen and respond supportively, don’t blame or shame

I tend to react “for” my friends when they tell me things they’re upset about. You might be like me, thinking this is a way to show your friend how aligned you are with them. But this isn’t helpful when someone tells you about abuse. Your focus should be on their feelings. It is also critical that your response doesn’t lay any blame. In practice, this means not responding with common but unhelpful phrases like “Why didn’t you tell me before?” or “You shouldn’t let him treat you like that.” Rather, it’s more helpful to respond with encouragement: “You deserve to feel loved and respected,” “It’s not your fault.”

3. Use clarifying language

Language that names abuse can be incredibly helpful. In my interview with Eternity Martis, a professor and journalist, she talks about an abusive relationship she was in while she was a university student. One day while chatting with a housemate, she described her boyfriend’s behaviour from the night before. The housemate looked at Eternity with genuine concern and called it abuse. It was the first time anyone responded this way. She always remembered it.

I also spoke with a court support services coordinator, who experienced intimate partner violence with her partner of 30 years (The Globe is not sharing her name to protect her safety). In her work, she helps women navigate the legal system after escaping domestic violence. For her, language is important. If someone says “He won’t allow me to see my family,” or “He stops me from going where I want to go,” she suggests responding with something like, “It sounds like he’s isolating you,” in order to reflect the reality and the gravity of the situation.

It’s important to remember that anyone can experience gender-based violence no matter their age or socioeconomic status. It can also take many attempts for someone to leave – you may need to be patient and go through the same actions a number of times before they make any lasting changes.

One final thought: When someone signals they need help, it may be hard to hear. You may have intense feelings you don’t know what to do with. This happened to me while listening to several stories of abuse. Not only did I feel emotional, I felt guilty about it, knowing that what I felt was worlds less difficult than the lives of the women I spoke to. I have focused on acknowledging those feelings and channelling my energy into doing something helpful with what I’ve learned.

After all, when we know how to respond to the signs of abuse, we can help change someone’s story.

What else we’re thinking about:

Open this photo in gallery:

Handout/Canadian Women's Foundation

There’s a simple one-handed gesture the Canadian Women’s Foundation created to help people experiencing gender-based violence, called the Signal For Help. It’s a tool a person can use without having to say anything. If you see this gesture, you are being given a sign to reach out, listen supportively and/or find resources. They may even appreciate you calling a professional on their behalf, such as a social worker, shelter or domestic violence hotline.

Marianne

Open this photo in gallery:

Marianne Kushmaniuk for The Globe and Mail

Inspired by something in this newsletter? If so, we hope you’ll amplify it by passing it on. And if there’s something we should know, or feedback you’d like to share, send us an e-mail at amplify@globeandmail.com.

Follow related authors and topics

Authors and topics you follow will be added to your personal news feed in Following.

Interact with The Globe