Managing back-to-school anxiety for kids – and parents

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Summer had barely begun when River’s back-to-school anxiety started to surface.

At almost 11 years old, River started grade six at a Toronto school this week. Despite the excitement of a new school year, she spent much of her summer wrestling with a single, nagging question: How should she respond if her girlfriends aren’t nice to her?

“She brings it up to me a lot,” says her mom, Daniella Verardo. “After I finish work in the evening, she divulges what she’s been thinking about that day, and we talk through it.”

But River’s nerves keep returning.

The number of children battling anxiety has seen a sharp increase, with rates jumping from about 12 per cent in 2012 to 21 per cent in 2021, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association.

“Social anxiety is probably the most common,” says M.E. Picher, a developmental psychologist and psychotherapist at The Giving Tree Centre in Toronto, who specializes in working with families and children.

But it’s certainly not the only worry kids have about returning to the classroom.

“Some are scared about separation from their parents, about having a new teacher or not knowing where to go in a new school,” she says. Others have worries about academic workloads and achieving good grades.

Anxiety can manifest in more ways than obsessive thoughts, including ways that don’t resemble anxiety at all.

“It can prompt psychosomatic symptoms like tummy aches, headaches and a general ‘I don’t feel well’ from kids,” says Picher. It can also impact their appetite, sleep and cause depression, which could be the reason your child has trouble waking up in the morning or seems zapped of motivation.

Anxiety takes shape in many ways and is considered more severe depending on the level of functional impairment, says Dr. Benjamin Klein, a developmental pediatrician in Brantford. For example, “a child may have mild anxiety if they aren’t participating to their full capacity in Phys. Ed. class because they’re worried about what other people think if they drop the ball,” he says. A child with a severe level of anxiety may not feel able to simply set foot in the class.

How do you know how severe your child’s anxiety is? Dr. Klein says to ask, “Are the worries impacting their level of participation in life, school, family and community?” If so, that’s beyond a common emotion and instead more likely to be a sign of an anxiety disorder.

Picher says parents should note changes in their kid’s mood and behaviour for signs of mild, moderate and severe anxiety, whether they’re verbalizing their worries or not. “Kids can be externalizers or internalizers,” she says.

“Internalizers shut down, become more sullen and don’t tell anyone about their feelings, whereas externalizers are more oppositional in their behaviour, such as having meltdowns at home before school.”

That was River’s case a few years ago when she attended a small community-based school in Niagara-on-the-Lake.

“She would cry in the morning and cling to me,” says Verardo. “There was something about that environment that didn’t sit well with her.” But when River switched to a school in Toronto that had about 1,000 kids, her mom says, “she was fine.”

“Sometimes, kids have a hard time communicating their feelings because they don’t really know what they’re feeling,” explains Picher. Sometimes therapy can help them verbalize the reason for worries. Other times, simple tweaks you make to your home life can have a soothing effect on their anxiety.

“Before medication and therapy, there are parent-mediated strategies to try,” says Dr. Klein. That includes spending time with your kids and being a good listener. You can also try exposure desensitization, encouraging kids to meet their back-to-school fears dead-on. “The more they avoid school,” says Dr. Klein, “the more the anxiety gets bigger.” When in doubt, always consult a professional.

Consider these steps to support your child.

Put your own oxygen mask on first

Every August, Picher gets a surplus of calls from a certain type of client: Parents with their own anxiety.

“They’re anticipating disaster,” she says. “Often, their child didn’t have a good school year the year before, and they’re worried that this year will go poorly, too.”

Picher says parents getting their own anxiety under control first is one of the best ways to mitigate that of their child’s. “If our energy is anxious and negative, kids will pick up on that.”

A therapist can help you work through worries while helping you find ways to prevent last year’s woes from cropping back up – for example, by creating a schedule for yourself to ease the anxiety in the household.

“If parents are stressed about getting kids out the door on time, stress ramps up in the kid,” says Picher. If you build a calm morning routine by, say, waking up earlier so you have more time to handle unexpected hiccups, your kid will feed off that energy and has a better shot at being more relaxed throughout the day.

Set them up for success

Often, anxiety is in the unknown. For young ones starting school, walk them through visualization techniques, which can help them imagine how the school year will transpire so they feel more prepared, says Picher.

For kids who are socially anxious, suggest playdates where they can have one-on-one time with a classmate, so they can build deeper bonds and connections, says Picher. And for older kids whose anxiety is often rooted in academic pressure, help them gather essential school supplies and books that can aid in their success to help them get organized so they feel equipped to take on their new classes.

Adopt healthy habits

Sleep, good nutrition, physical activity and screen time have the power to alleviate or exacerbate anxiety, says Picher. Here are few things to try:

• Set an early bedtime: A recent study found when kids get enough sleep, their brain has enough time to refresh, which decreases anxiety. That late bedtime they’re begging for? Don’t give in. A rotten night’s sleep increases their anxiety by 30 per cent.
• Stock up on healthy foods: Feel good hormones like serotonin and dopamine need vitamins and amino acids to keep doing their job (to help you feel good and stave off anxiety). Load your kitchen with brain-boosting foods like omega-3 fatty acids, antioxidants and probiotics.
• Prioritize outdoor time: Activities like walking, riding a bike and playing basketball release endorphins in the brain, which can elevate mood, energy and ability to focus, all while decreasing anxiety. But there’s a catch: “If parents are fighting kids to do these activities, it cancels out the benefit,” says Picher. Instead, encourage them to choose a physical activity of their choice.
• Limit screen time: A 2023 report found that screens, or more specifically, internet use, can lead to social anxiety in girls since they – more than boys – tend to be more sensitive to social comparisons.

Be available for after-school chats

“Conversations can be helpful after school,” says Picher. “Ask open-ended questions to encourage your kid to reflect on their day.” This can prompt them to recall certain aspects of their day and how they felt, teaching them to recognize their feelings. “But if the kid’s shutting down, it may not be the right time to talk – they might need food before they have that conversation,” she says.

Seek help

Sometimes, no matter how good your intentions, you end up making matters worse. A therapist can help you better understand what’s triggering your kid’s anxiety and the bad behaviour it has caused. The result? “You’ll be more empathetic,” says Picher, which can decrease your anxiety and thereby theirs.

Therapy can be particularly important for internalizers. “It might be helpful for that child to see a therapist to be able to learn how to open up and communicate about their feelings,” says Picher. But of course, they can be great for externalizers, too. Therapists can help your kid problem-solve their way through the anxiety – and perhaps help them come up with a commendable one-liner to deliver to, say, an 11-year-old frenemy.