First Person is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at tgam.ca/essayguide.
Illustration by Marley Allen-Ash
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately hanging out with elders, a few centenarians and numerous nonagenarians, even some octogenarians. Despite being in my 60s, I am part of the so-called “sandwich generation.” I’m pleased to say it’s a positive experience, mostly.
I am at my mother’s residence almost daily, providing additional care, and it’s not what I’d expected or been led to believe. It’s often cheerful.
“How are you today?” I ask, as I move through the hallways of my mother’s residence. “Not perfect, but what can I do about it? It is what it is!” says one lady.“ As best as can be expected,” comments another, while I also hear “Still alive … I guess that’s good!” One of my favourite residents always chirps: “Look at those lovely flowers” she says, “It’s just such a great view!” The fact that the view hasn’t changed much doesn’t deter her. She also always asks “How’s your mother today?” with sincerity.
When it comes to my centenarian mother, the positive is interspersed with criticisms, but it wouldn’t be normal any other way. The food is a target. The pea soup isn’t as flavourful as what she makes. The chili gets a failing grade – beans not well enough cooked and no zip to it at all! Luckily, she approves most of the desserts and eats them with gusto. As one of my cousins pointed out, “complaining is a positive sign!”
Lots of “people watching” goes on at meals. Her vision is quite limited but she is a keen observer of her companions. “That fellow is so attentive to his wife,” she comments, “and that lady has a lovely jacket.” It makes coming to the dining room an entertaining experience, especially for someone who is spending more and more time alone resting.
I am amazed by how well and with what dignity the residents comport themselves, given their limitations. I’m also impressed by the care and attention of servers and staff. Patience and kindness, plus tolerance for those who are a bit confused is commonplace. I escort a woman who says, “I’m looking for the dining room as I’m new here, and haven’t had breakfast,” only to be told by staff she isn’t new and has already eaten but is welcome to have another cup of tea.
There are folks I regularly see out walking nearby, doing their best to stay active. Partners take their spouses out for some fresh air, sometimes for a cigarette. Some people sit out and soak in the sunshine in the courtyard whenever the weather permits. While from the outside we may observe their world shrinking, these seniors are thankful for the benefits of still being able to get out and enjoy themselves. “The air is so fresh!” exclaims one woman, who I often encounter sitting outside. “It’s lovely today.”
We commonly refer to these places for the elderly as “institutions” and “retirement homes”; we criticize and imagine how terrible it must be to be confined in one. However, any gathering of a community is a “social gathering” where there are interactions of all kinds. In this particular community, I see elderly people trying to make the best of the remaining years of their lives, and being supported in their endeavours by nurses, employees, family members of residents and their partners, as well as other visitors.
In my mother’s retirement home, failure of mind and memory, of body functions – all these indignities and challenges are dealt with bravely, for the most part. Kindness, consideration and mainly positive attitudes are exhibited. This is the generation who grew up between two World Wars, who experienced the aftermath and who generally learned to make the best of life. These people are tough. They don’t complain. They know they are lucky – they are being looked after, unlike some seniors.
I wonder how our generation will fare as we age. Will we “make the best of it?” Will we complain more, demand more, fight more against the inevitable aging process? Will there be social support for the increasing numbers of seniors? What of the next generation and their expectations? Will families still honour their elders and do their best to ensure they are supported, cared for and treated with respect and dignity?
As I grow older, I think about how I will be treated. While I may say, in a moment of frustration, “take a holiday and put me in a home when I hit 100,” I’m hopeful that some of the involvement, love and care that my family, other residents and staff in the home are showing my mother now may be a guide as to how my generation will be treated.
Joyce White lives in Vancouver.